Facing the Dawn with Sleepless Eyes ...

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han was sitting in the curved bench of the Millennium Falcon’s galley with a half full glass of a colorless liquid in his hand. It was a loose, but familiar grasp. Like he had held a glass like this a thousand times and he knew exactly how to wrap his fingers around it comfortably. Whatever he was drinking smelled kind of like what leaks out of a power coupler when it’s busted.

He happens to be drinking it slowly, at least.

His other hand is occupied stroking through over the hair of a young lady who decided that his thigh ought to be her pillow while she took a nap.

Most days on the YT-1300 were good. Better than they had any right to be.

A fact that he attributed much of to the very same lady in his company now, but the path they treaded earlier in the day had been as choppy as entering a planet’s atmosphere during a raging storm. He should have seen it coming. He did, after all, accept a job that was going to have them delivering vaporators to a collective of moisture farmers on Jakku.

Yeah. That Jakku. The very same desert planet that he had gotten the lonely girl off of. The one she spent so many years waiting on, barely scraping by sometimes, waiting for people who never did end up coming back for her. The planet she never hesitated to mention that she would be perfectly happy never to go back to.

She put on a brave face when he told her their destination. Tried to act like it didn’t bother her, but he was beginning to know Rey very well and she wasn’t quite the card player he was yet. He saw the worry in her eyes and the nervous fidgeting of her hands when she thought Han wasn’t paying attention.

Hardly ate anything all day.

Didn’t find the usual things to talk about.

The worst of it, however, was when she tried to smile for him. The occasional attempt to smooth things over and prove to him that everything was okay – but the smile was wrong. She wasn’t feeling it and it made for a lame comparison to one of her real smiles; which he was pretty sure could light up Umbara if given the chance.

Han felt terrible about everything, of course.

Didn’t even come to bed, which, Rey realized after an hour or two of trying to wait up for him. That was when she took it upon herself, blanket in hand, to wordlessly collapse on him in the main hold. It was the only way she could see herself getting any rest.

Comments

[thesefirststeps]

Rey ducks her head, hot tears prickling at the insides of her eyelids, not expecting him to turn her away, even though she'd offered the possibility - glancing back up sharply, surprised by the continued suggestion.

He doesn't - doesn't normally tend to talk about very serious subject matter, usually more quick with a joke. But this was probably too big to dismiss outright. And although Rey doesn't have very many answers, she'll be honest about what she does know.

"Yeah - I, um ... where do I even begin? What - what do you want to know?"

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Oh, he could rattle off about ten questions in the span of about a minute if he wanted to. To some extent, they all sleep together in a tiny room in a rickety old freighter there is a wellbeing element to needing the answers, but that's not really why he wants to know what's up with Rey.

He's worried.

Whatever she's going through ain't normal.

And as much as ignoring a problem and hoping it will eventually go away is a prominent problem-solving strategy in the Han Solo method, he doesn't mess around when it's someone he's looking out for. Not if he can help it.

So, he takes a deep breath and tries to take it slow with the questions. He means to be somewhat sensitive about all this. "You said this has happened to you before. I was wondering if it happened with us before? Or just when you were on Jakku?"

[thesefirststeps]

That was to be expected. She's certain that Han's got far more questions than she's got answers for. But there's no point in trying to hide things now, and no reason that they should ignore it and pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary, none of this is happening, and there is certainly no danger of it happening again ...

But all of those things are lies, and they both know that they are.

As difficult as it might be to try to explain what's going on to the best of her knowledge and her ability, Rey's going to try her damndest. The last thing she wants is to push away the one person in her life she always wants close.

"No", she answers, shaking her head. "It only happens when I have nightmares. Tonight's the first time I've had one since I've been onboard. Even on Jakku ... it didn't happen often. But it's happened enough times that I - I know it's got to be me that's doing it. There's really no other explanation."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

The tempting follow-up is; do you know what it is?

It's a waste of breath to ask it, though. If she knew what it was, she would have told him by now. Han has no doubt of that. Nor would it upset her as much as it seems to, if she had some idea of what she was dealing with - he's pretty sure that Rey has the resolve to get through nearly anything.

"It's always because of a bad dream?" He says as he reaches for Rey's hand. "Or have you moved things when you were awake?"

[thesefirststeps]

It's only natural if he asks. Unfortunately, Rey won't be able to answer it with any certainty, and she won't be able to provide any real answers, only more questions.

She burns with guilt, though, that she hadn't disclosed any of this well before now. But if he'd known ... would he have even allowed her onboard to begin with? Would they have ended up where they are?

... Was he thinking of leaving her on Jakku after the job was done?

Rey feels a wave of panic begin to build, and needs a moment to calm herself, lest anything else unexpectedly occur to cut through the already shattered peace of late travel.

But once he's taken her hand and offered her a sense of stability and steadiness, she manages to shake her head gently, still searching for breath. "A - always while I've been asleep. Always during a nightmare. Always the one where I'm - I'm ... left behind."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

It's hard for him to see her like this. When he thinks of Rey, he thinks of a strong woman. A resourceful survivor that can handle whatever is thrown at her. It's not that seeing her like this makes him think she's not strong, but seeing her like this does tell him that she's hurting. That something about what's been happening in the last day is so troubling it's affecting her sense of confidence.

He'd been planning to use that hand to draw her into him anyway, but now he doesn't waste time pulling her into a hug. She goes right his chest and holds her close. As if he could shut out the whole galaxy with them and give her at least a few moments of peace. He can't, of course, but it's the closest he's got.

"Everything is gonna be alright." He murmurs. "You can stay on the ship the whole time we're on planet and as soon as the job's all wrapped up, we'll get into hyperspace right away. We won't even stay in the Western Reaches."

[thesefirststeps]

It's equally as hard for Rey to break down so completely in front of Han - and it's not that she doesn't trust him, that's as far from the truth as possible, it's that ... she needs to be that strong woman that he knows, she needs to be able to handle anything and everything that comes her way, she needs to ... because if she shows any sort of weakness at all ... she could die.

But sometimes, as she's learning, even the strongest person needs to let their guard down. Sometimes, they need someone to be strong for them. He holds her close, and she nearly melts into the embrace, her broken little sigh enough of a hint that she's exactly where she needs to be.

She stiffens and shivers, and wraps her arms around him to hold on all the tighter, and eventually manages to ask - "You're not going to leave me?" in a voice so small and so sared that she sounds so much younger than her nineteen years ... perhaps much like she sounded the day she was left originally, young, and terrified, and begging her parents or guardians to come back, just come back.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

He tries not to take it personally that she would ask that. He's got his own emotional hang ups from parents who were gone when he was just barely old enough to comprehend their absence. It affects a person deeply, having that happen to them. Still, he wished that his actions had spoke louder than they ultimately had.

Loud enough that she wouldn't need to ask that question.

"Of course not." He murmurs, adopting a soothing tone without even thinking about it. "I know you haven't been on the ship that long, but I hardly remember what it was like before you were here."

[thesefirststeps]

It isn't him. And it's not that he's not doing enough to show her what he feels for her, and this is - it is not the usual type of worry for Rey. But all she knows is hardship, all she remembers is the anger and hopelessness and fear of the unknown and having to step into it on her own, and so young, so young, and it's - it's not an easy thing to simply get over.

Hopefully, he'd understand. Hopefully, he wouldn't hold the question against her.

"You probably - ", she hiccups, cursing the tears she can't hold at bay, "Probably had a lot more room in your bunk."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han leans in to give her a kiss. If she'll let him. He doesn't think she'd deny him, but it's not always easy to exchange a kiss with someone when you're crying. It's not going to rank as one of the most smolderingly passionate kisses he's ever given, but it wasn't supposed to. He wanted to comfort and reassure her.

"I'd fold myself in half every night if I needed to make room for you." He answers when their lips come apart. "I think you know that, though."

[thesefirststeps]

Rey doesn't have it in her to deny Han anything, especially a kiss. And, truth be told, she kind of needs it in order to feel as though, perhaps, everything was going to be right in her world. That this hasn't changed what he feels for her. That no matter what, she could count on Han to help her through.

"I know", she breathes, eyes wet, face flushed, and not in the pleasant ways that he's used to seeing. "I don't know what I did to deserve this - any of it - you ... but I'm ... infinitely happy to be here. To know that you c - care."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han's not really the best at comforting with words. The heartfelt words don't come as easy as the quick assurances he'll make to a potential client or the boasts of his prowess at the yoke of a starship. He's not even all that sure why.

"I don't want you to be upset, sweetheart." He drops his chin down and presses a delicate kiss to her brow and then one to her wet cheek. "I never wanted to do anything that would hurt you."

"Once this run is over, everything will get back to normal and then we can look into what's going on with the bad dreams."

[thesefirststeps]

She knows that, too. And she doesn't need fancy words, the way that he holds her is enough, the way that he promises that everything was going to be okay was enough. So, maybe she'll need some time in which to settle her ruined nerves, but she'll get there.

"I'm sorry", she whispers, embarrassed at losing such control of herself. "For not telling you before. For hurting you. For ... all of this."

For being difficult, when all she's ever wanted to do was be something good.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

"I ain't scared of a bit of glass." He murmurs with a shrug and a little bit of a smile. "I ain't afraid of you either, so, if you're trying to scare me off you're gonna have to do better than this."

It's a little bit of a joke, sure, that's the norm with Han. It also happens to be the truth. They might not understand what's happening to her during those nightmares, but they haven't pushed him away. No, it would have to take something more personal, likely. Something that came from a place of cruelty or spite.

"I think ..." He purses his lips for a moment and looks down at her. "... there's this place I know on Takodana. It's a neutral ground for people from all over in the form of a huge castle. The owner, her name's Maz. She's been alive forever, so, she might have heard about other people having the bad dreams like yours."

[thesefirststeps]

"You've had worse", Rey answers, sniffling softly. "I know that, too." She has to pause, though, in order to process the second point, and to keep from saying something incredibly stupid, especially given the circumstances. "No, I'm - I ... I'd really like to keep you, please and thanks, for as long as possible."

Nailed it.

She would never, ever do anything purposely to hurt him. It'd break her apart to know that she has. No, she absolutely wants to stay here as long as he'll allow, part of the crew, and by his side, and happy.

"So ... of anyone, she's probably the best person to ask? Is it very far out of our way?" Not that they've got another job lined up after this one that she knows of ... she just doesn't want to be a bother any more than she's already proven that she can be.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Ah. He sees what's going on here.

Han squeezes her into his chest and holds her even closer to him. Han leans in close to her and murmurs, "I love you too, honey."

And then, not to dwell on anything for all that long, his mind is combing through the next couple of thoughts.

Even when people are shooting at them. Even when they've eaten little more than oats and caff for almost three days because they're running low on rations. Even when they're tired because it's taken hours to load and conceal cargo. Rey has been content, even pleased most of the time. Far as he knows she's only had a bad dream this one time - and he sleeps beside her almost every night, so he'd probably know.

It seems pretty likely once finish on Jakku, she'll be happy again. And when she's happy, the likelihood of a nightmare will diminish.

"We don't have a way to be out of, but there are places on Takodana to resupply. It's a pretty lush world so there's probably some good food we'll be able to pick up, at least. Chewie can keep his eyes and ears open for a job while we talk to Maz, if nothing turns up, we can do some maintenance on the ship or fly off somewhere else."

And then my heart grew five sizes, all because of five words.

[thesefirststeps]

Oh.

Although she doesn't say anything in return - she can't, he's absolutely taken her breath away, her arms tighten around him, and she practically melts into his arms.

It's all she's ever really wanted to hear, that she belongs, that she's wanted, and needed, and cared for.

She's happy here. Even doing with situations that might shake the steadiest nerves, Rey's found some enjoyment. How could she not? She's free now, and surrounded by friend and lover alike, and maybe this is an unorthodox way of life, but it's hers.

Up until this point, she really had nothing to worry about in the slightest. And although she feels like she's put that happiness in jeopardy, it's those five words and the way he holds her so tightly that makes her believe, or start to, that maybe everything would work out in their favor.

"Well, if we can do all of that and maybe get some answers, I think it's probably our best option at this point. And maybe - maybe it'll help just to have some time to ourselves."

After this, they could use a week. But a couple of days couldn't hurt, either.

It was about time. She been practically begging him to say it, without, you know, actually begging

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han's hesitancy with the word 'love' has nothing to do with his ability to feel it. He cares a lot about Rey. He'd never leave her behind. There's not much he can think of that he wouldn't do for her. Sometimes he just ... doesn't realize how much people need to hear that word and there are times when it feels like it just wants to stay stuck in his throat somewhere.

The obviously happy reaction from the lady in his arms makes him glad he got it out, though. No doubt about that.

"We roam, we work and then we roam some more." He says in that breezy way of his. "Can't see why that can't happen at the same time as we try to find some answers for you."

She just needed to hear it once! Just because she's never heard it before. She won't push for more

[thesefirststeps]

He's never been shy about showing his affection physically, and, as the saying goes, sometimes actions speak louder. And, if not for tonight and her nightmare and subsequent, what, mental outburst, she would have been perfectly content with that.

But she's always craved hearing it, just once, and knowing without a shadow of a doubt of the truth of it, and hearing not from Han is maybe the best thing she's ever heard. It's going to be her most precious memory.

"I suppose you're right. We'll go, and we'll see what happens, and we'll go from there."

(She only hopes that he knows somehow just how much she loves him in return.)

Scruffy will tell her. Occasionally. And be in personal space. And make her smile.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Now she's got it. One step at a time. Planning out too far ahead rarely works out well for Han because invariably, someone will mess up all his well thought out designs. Then he'll be back to improvising again.

Han eases his tight hold on Rey, but doesn't completely let go. Not yet, anyway.

"I need to try to get some sleep before we land." Try is the keyword. Between the adrenaline that comes with having a glass break so extravagantly in his hand and his mind racing, he's not all that sure he's gonna be successful at resting, but he should try. "You should too. Are you coming along?"

And that's really all she needs.

[thesefirststeps]

It's kind of an uncertain way to live, but as she's beginning to learn, that's what brings about the best adventures. It's sometimes a wild ride, but Rey wouldn't change any of it for the world.

His grip on her might loosen, but she doesn't move away just yet, content to remain in his orbit now, and once they head to the bunks ... which is probably going to be sooner rather than later. It's late. They're both exhausted, physically and emotionally. They need rest.

"Yes, of course", she answers softly, nodding. "I sleep better when you're with me."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han nods. The phenomenon of sleeping better together is known very well by Captain Solo as well. Even with the crampedness, it's just better when they're close. He's pretty sure they were meant to be wedged together into all kinds of weird places.

"Might shower first, though." He says with a small smile. "I'm still wearing some of the Prow I was trying to drink earlier."

[thesefirststeps]

Rey hardly notices anymore - the having to contort into somewhat strange positions to both fit. She hardy notices a little bit of sore joints when she wakes up. In any case, a little bit of discomfort is well worth it if it means she gets to fall asleep with her face resting in the space between Han's shoulder and his neck. It was well worth waking up to a kiss or eight.

She does duck her head then, hiding the embarrassed flush of her cheeks. "Yes, I - I'm sorry about that, too. I can leave you to it, if you'd like."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

It's tempting to counter with the notion that she should 'try to make it up to him by helping wash him down', but there was that one other crewmate that had. Who is literally going to be trying to sleep only a few feet away from where they would be showering.

"Ain't about what I'd like in this case." He says with a shrug. "I wouldn't wanna keep Chewie up any later than we have already."

Still, he's gonna lean in for a kiss. Because he wants one. Because after the events of the last hour, he probably needs one. Because it feels good to kiss her. "Meet you in bed in a few minutes?"

[thesefirststeps]

And she wouldn't even hesitate to do so! Except ... the night has been exciting enough on its own, and it wouldn't be fair to Chewie to continue disturbing his sleep. And ... that might have to wait for another time, but she'd be just as willing whether that was hours from now or months.

"Yes, that would be awfully inconsiderate of us, wouldn't it?"

Rey eagery returns the kiss - because she wants it, too, because maybe they both need to share one, because it always feels wonderful. She nods, the hint of a smile turning her lips up at the edges. "Yeah. I'll be there."