Facing the Dawn with Sleepless Eyes ...

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han was sitting in the curved bench of the Millennium Falcon’s galley with a half full glass of a colorless liquid in his hand. It was a loose, but familiar grasp. Like he had held a glass like this a thousand times and he knew exactly how to wrap his fingers around it comfortably. Whatever he was drinking smelled kind of like what leaks out of a power coupler when it’s busted.

He happens to be drinking it slowly, at least.

His other hand is occupied stroking through over the hair of a young lady who decided that his thigh ought to be her pillow while she took a nap.

Most days on the YT-1300 were good. Better than they had any right to be.

A fact that he attributed much of to the very same lady in his company now, but the path they treaded earlier in the day had been as choppy as entering a planet’s atmosphere during a raging storm. He should have seen it coming. He did, after all, accept a job that was going to have them delivering vaporators to a collective of moisture farmers on Jakku.

Yeah. That Jakku. The very same desert planet that he had gotten the lonely girl off of. The one she spent so many years waiting on, barely scraping by sometimes, waiting for people who never did end up coming back for her. The planet she never hesitated to mention that she would be perfectly happy never to go back to.

She put on a brave face when he told her their destination. Tried to act like it didn’t bother her, but he was beginning to know Rey very well and she wasn’t quite the card player he was yet. He saw the worry in her eyes and the nervous fidgeting of her hands when she thought Han wasn’t paying attention.

Hardly ate anything all day.

Didn’t find the usual things to talk about.

The worst of it, however, was when she tried to smile for him. The occasional attempt to smooth things over and prove to him that everything was okay – but the smile was wrong. She wasn’t feeling it and it made for a lame comparison to one of her real smiles; which he was pretty sure could light up Umbara if given the chance.

Han felt terrible about everything, of course.

Didn’t even come to bed, which, Rey realized after an hour or two of trying to wait up for him. That was when she took it upon herself, blanket in hand, to wordlessly collapse on him in the main hold. It was the only way she could see herself getting any rest.

Comments

[thesefirststeps]

A job is a job.

Rey keeps trying to remind herself of that fact, but the thought of ever stepping foot back on Jakku is making her ... what? Miserable? Fearful? Worried? All of that and so much more?

It's just a job. It's not like she's going to find herself stuck there all over again, trapped and waiting for some sort of rescue. She's a member of the crew, a valuable one, and she means something to Han, and he's never - he wouldn't ...

Realistically, Rey knows that. It's trusting in that knowledge that's proving to be a difficulty ... to say the absolute least. She's never been known to be very shy and demure, but neither has she been known to simply accept something if she was uncomfortable with the idea of it.

And the thought of going back to Jakku feels so wrong, right down into her bones. She didn't fight, but it was clear to Han and Chewie both just how distressed she was by the idea. Still, she insisted that she was fine, and although she was looked at with concern every time she jumped when she was surprised, nobody really asks. And she kicks herself for pulling that far into herself, for not admitting her fear, for ... trying to pretend that she was fine when she was clearly anything but.

It's a job. A job is a job, and they kinda need the credits in order to make it to the next job. And she can't ask to forego it simply because she's ... scared (terrified).

The worst part is when she wakes up out of a fitful sleep to find that Han isn't with her. She knows where to find him, though, and although she slides in next to him without a word, and leans against him just as quietly, and even lies in his lap in the silence, she takes a great sense of comfort in his presence.

The nightmares, though, don't cease. Suddenly, she's awake, panic-stricken, and the glass in his hand has inexplicably shattered, showering them both in sharp, glittering shards.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Whatever dreams she was having weren't good ones.

It took him back to when he'd escaped with from Ylesia and it seemed like every night he'd spent trying to soothe Bria from bad dreams among other things. Her tossing and turning was as vigorous as Rey's is now. At least then, he'd been the relief of the nightmares and not the cause of them ...

Han himself likely looked pretty troubled. That was the thing about being alone or is the better word solo you never had to worry about the pain you caused others. It was hard for him to know that he'd made the choice that was so obviously making the lady distressed. A lady he cared about.

They needed to get paid. This was an easy job with a nice bonus if they could get the cargo there in a hurry. Minimal risk and the kind of pay of that would not only get them restocked for a while, but might make a dent in the money he owed to a certain unlawful sentient. It was amazing what people in the desert are willing to pay when their crops are running out of water, after all.

He had his drink. Tihaar, of all things. If that couldn't make him numb to all these murky thoughts and feelings, he didn't know what could. The guilt only got all the richer when he realized that those bad dreams his crewmate was suffering from were not fading as she drifted into a deeper sleep.

They were getting worse.

And as they got worse, strangely, he felt the drink start to move in his hand. Not the ship, the Falcon remained steady. Not Han himself, who remained pushed up comfortably against the back of the bench. Just the drink and the glass alone, trembling in time with the way that Rey was now thrashing against him. It was unsettling.

It seemed just as if he had gotten passed the realization that somehow, Rey was making this happen and that his next move ought to be putting the glass down and trying to gently wake her up - when the glass flies apart in his hand.

His eyes blink shut barely fast enough to protect his eyes from the spray of liquor and glass, but other parts of him were not so fortunate. One shard gives his cheek a proper gouge and there's an angry fragment embedded into his palm. Reflexively his hand drops what's left of the glass and it hits the metal floor of the Millennium Falcon.

A particularly foul curse spews from Han's mouth in Mando'a. He certainly doesn't process that Rey is awake until after he's sure nothing else is going to come flying at him and he slowly opens eyes to see her trembling.

"Rey." He says, his voice shockingly calm from having been angrily swearing seconds ago. "Honey, whatever it was that upset you was just in a dream."

[thesefirststeps]

It's not as though she's never had nightmares before - in fact, she'd had the same ones over and over, night after night as she wondered and worried about the people that had left her behind to fend for herself. These were... different. These were... worse.

If she knew that Han was feeling guilty or worried or anything of the sort, she'd be quick to reassure him that she's not upset at him - not when she understands precisely what this job and its payment would mean. It's stepping foot back on a planet that she was convinced that she was going to die on.

Even though it should be am easy enough thing to meet their contact and make the trade, she can't help the fear that something might go terribly wrong. It's not his fault. It's too many years of wondering if that day was going to be her last.

Maybe she should have said all those things instead of pretending that she was fine. Maybe that would have cut down on his guilt and her uneasiness. Maybe that would have kept her nightmares away.

Now, they'll never know.

The dream felt so real, she had no idea that's all it was, that she wasn't back in the heat and the sand and fighting for her life. She doesn't violently pull herself from the deal until the glass shatters and he jerks back, and they're both covered in shards and liquid alike.

She's wide-eyed and panting and scared and has no idea what's happened or even where she is, but she's sure of one thing, and it's that as long as she's with him, she'll be fine.

"You're bleeding ", she whispers, reaching out to try to wipe some of it away. "You're bleeding! What happened? Oh - did I hurt you?"

[twelve_not_fourteen]

The one in his hand is bad. There's a piece of glass embedded into his hand is at least an inch long from the edge of the shard to the point where it meets with his skin. No telling how deep it went in just by looking at it, but at least it's not going through his hand. It hurts enough to make the usually steady hand tremble.

He's trying to let his arm dangle at his side like there's nothing wrong with it, but the shaking is liable to give him away. Even with the shard turned away from where she can see it. The cheek wound is superficial. It will be gone in a few days without any treatment. Not deep enough to leave a scar.

What happened? Hell if he knows. He's seen a lot of strange things, but he's never seen anyone break a glass while they were dreaming before. That ... doesn't even make any sense. It must have been something else. He's overtired. Thought he saw something that must have been a daydream and snapped out of it when he broke the glass. It's the only reasonable explanation.

"It's just a broken glass, sweetheart." He says finally. "No big deal."

[thesefirststeps]

When Rey finally sees his hand - amd she will, there's no hiding something like this in such close quarters, she'll insist upon taking care of it, making sure that all of it is removed, and the puncture, no matter how small, is treated with bacta and wrapped up. She's done enough first aid in herself to know hoe to cate for wounds like this properly.

And she'll feel heavy with guilt as she does, because this is... not the first time that something has gotten broken like this in her presence, although she's normally the on that receives the wounds.

Its not a coincidence anymore, she thinks, worried about just what all of this is supposed to mean, how it's even happening, and why.

She worries at the cheek for a moment longer, not letting up until she's satisfied that it doesn't require immediate attention, and although she's shaky, too, frightened and confused and upset, she notices his shaking, and eventually, the hand that he's trying to hide from her.

She'd have noticed eventually, but she hates that he's trying to keep it from her, to, what, protect her from it?

"Looks like a pretty big deal to me", she answers, almost hesitant to reach for that hand. "Let me see."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

He is trying to keep her from it. He's convinced himself that it couldn't have been Rey who broke a glass while she was sleeping, so it's not the guilt he thinks he's keeping her from (though he would if he realized what was going on). It's the worry, he supposes, that he's sparing her from.

For the record, there are a lot of sleazy things that he would do to make things better for the people he loves. Lying is on the tip of the iceberg.

Han takes a sharp breath at her and looks at her for a moment like he's trying to weigh what he imagines her worry will be at his hand to what her frustration will be if he doesn't show her the wound. Then he sighs and holds out his left hand to her, turning the palm to face her slowly.

[thesefirststeps]

She'd worry, anyway. Even if she never admits to it, there are times that she worries quite a bit, and right now, she's worried about a lot all at once - not only the thought of stepping foot on Jakku again, but also the way that this has happened again, and that Han's been hurt because of it.

Whatever it was. Whatever was going on with her or because of her. Because it has to be her - they've had disagreements before and nothing has ever happened like this...

Sometimes, a lie could go a long way to protect a person. In this case, it would only ratchet her worry all the higher. Because if he could keep this from her, it's only fair to assume what else he might try to hide.

Rey breathes out harshly upon her first sight of the glass embedded in his palm. It's worse than she thought, actually, and she doesn't even dare to try to remove it just yet. She shakes her head, drops it, almost like she's hiding, and it's pretty clear that she's more shaken up than ever now that she's seen it.

"We need to get that removed immediately. If we don't, it's going to get infected."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

See! That's exactly the kind of reaction he was trying to prevent. She looks beside herself at the sight of it.

"I've had a lot worse." He says, drawing his hand back so she doesn't have to look at it anymore. On some level, she must know that's not a lie, there's more than a few scars she's seen during occasions of his nakedness. Life on the Trader's Luck he had to thank for most of them.

"If you handle the mess I can take care of the hand."

[thesefirststeps]

'It could be worse' is a sentiment they can both offer - whether it's applied to his wound, or her state of mind upon seeing it. Once the shard is removed, it probably won't look as terrible as it does currently, but her emotional state ... that isn't about to change anytime soon, not until the job is done and they're heading away from the junkyard that is Jakku.

She feels ashamed of herself, of her reaction, and her cheeks flame into life ... which probably looks a lot better than the way that blood had disappeared the moment she saw his blood.

"Of course", she murmurs, quickly setting off to sweep the shards up, throw them away, clean the spilled liquor until it looks as though nothing's ever transpired here in the first place. And afterwards, she'll disappear back to the bunk, curling up in as tight a ball as she can manage, scared, remembering other instances of moments like this, anxious at the thought of what might happen if she ever lost control of her emotions again.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Well, he more or less got exactly what he wanted. Rey not having to fret over his wound and the glass getting cleaned up so that they could put this weirdness behind them and yet ...

And yet something tells him he missed something or that something's still not been put to right. He just has no idea what it could be. Maybe as he went through the multi-step process that was tending to the shard of glass in his hand, he'd figure it out.

First, he goes to where he stores the liquor to grab the strongest proof that he has. Then he goes off to grab a clean rag and then, one of the medkits he has stashed away in a number of locations around the ship.

He starts with the liquor, of course. It's purpose is two-fold because it will not only disinfect his wound, but it will also give him the proper frame of mind to handle his unsightly piece of glass. He takes a shot directly out of the bottle and then, leans over the sink in the galley. As he pours the alcohol into the wound it burns and Han can't help but cry out.

[thesefirststeps]

And yet, she's disappeared without a word. She's sequestered herself away from everything and everyone, and she's allowing herself to wallow in her unease - the fear of what might come to pass if she really was the cause of his injuries, however inadvertently they'd occurred.

Rey would have stayed to assist, but he sounded as though he'd rather do it himself - and, honestly, she couldn't figure out if that meant that her presence was wanted, or not, and ... wasn't this the safer choice?

But then she hears him cry out, and her blood runs cold in her veins. Before she thinks about it, before she can stop herself, she's up and moving, almost desperate in her attempt to find him, to help, to take that pain away.

Back to the galley she goes, far less hesitantly than she'd found him before. "Han? I heard you - are you okay? Please be okay ... "

[twelve_not_fourteen]

So the sound of something breaking followed by the sound of Han swearing isn't all that out of the ordinary on the Millennium Falcon. It's enough to briefly wake up Chewbacca who sort of listened to the two humans murmuring to each other for a while. It made him feel like whatever was going on, they could handle it. There wasn't the sound of a further scuffle or more yelling ...

A few minutes later, when the Wookiee hears the unmistakable sound of his best friend in pain, you can hear him leap out of bed and head over to the humans in an impressively few number of strides. Chewbacca is there only a couple of seconds behind Rey.

"I'm ... alright." Han says. "It's just in a little deeper than I thought, that's all."

Chewie makes an inquisitive honking sort of sound while he looks to Han and then Rey.

"Just a broken glass, pal. Gotta pretty big piece of it in my hand."

The Wookiee huffs and makes a sharp howl and a bark. The gist of it translates to 'there are three of us you, idiot. Why are you trying to do this yourself?'

"Don't get all worked up, Rey was about to come over." Han says raising his voice back at his partner and pointing a finger at him around the bottle he's holding.

Chewbacca sighs. He pats Rey on the shoulder and nudges her gently in the direction of Han. As he turns away he indicates that 'he's going to clean up the mess.'

[thesefirststeps]

Things happen. Items get broken, people get a bit upset about it all, and yes, sometimes injuries even occur, but usually, things get calmer rather than more more heated ... except for maybe the time she'd gotten up close and personal with that heavy crate.

So, she's not surprised in the slightest to hear Chewie's heavy footsteps behind her, well aware that he'd be curious or concerned or maybe both, slightly comforted by the way he hurried to Han's side. So if she couldn't stay, at least he'd be taken care of.

She's also comforted somewhat to hear that the wound wasn't worse than she was imagining it to be when she'd thoughtlessly jumped out of her bunk and ran to check on him. And although she's still nervously on edge, she can't help her stilted, soft laughter at the way Chewie chides Han.

It fades, though, and she's quiet again, barely huffing out a breath even as he nudges her forward. This time, she'll stay, if that's what Han wants. This time, she won't try to hide herself away.

"How can I help?", she asks, her voice soft, a bit shaky, scared.

[twelve_not_fourteen]

"Something wrong, isn't it?" He says, pursuing his lips. "Something more than just my hand ..."

He doesn't know if she's going to want to get into it while Chewbacca's in earshot cleaning up, but maybe she can indicate one way or the other if he's right and ... they could talk about it later? He doesn't really know what it is.

He supposes it could be the Jakku thing. He'd almost forgotten about that for a moment.

"One of us has gotta pull out the glass and the other's gonna have to press like hell on my hand. I think it's gonna bleed for a while. When it stops, bacta and gauze."

[thesefirststeps]

He's right, of course.

It's Jakku. It's those nightmares. And even if he hasn't begun considering it, it's the fact that she knows that she's responsible for hurting him, even though that's one of the few things she's promised herself that she would never do. And she doesn't know how to even bring any of it up, or even how to apologize.

So she simply nods in response, and swallows hard, and devotes her gaze to his hand, and the glass still protruding from it, and she hisses softly as she gently touches around it, but still, she nods her understanding.

"You pull. I'll take care of it afterwards."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

Han takes one more hit from the bottle and then sets it down. He carefully examines the shard of glass that's still sticking out of his palm so he can find the best way to grab the shard without cutting his other hand.

"Alright." Han puts the thumb and forefinger of his good hand on the inside and outside of the shard of glass, he winces in pain because it moves a little while he does so. "I'm gonna count to three."

Then he counts to three and jerks the glass out quickly. Hopefully, Rey is on standby with that towel and she can ignore the fact that he kind of moaned his pain when he pulled out the shard too. Solo drops the bloody fragment into the sink where it bubbles against some of the left behind alcohol.

[thesefirststeps]

Hopefully, whatever he's drinking is able to muddle some of the pain the glass is causing him. Because not only can Rey see his hurt in his expression, she can feel it rolling off of him in waves, too, and it only just deepens her guilt.

If the towel wasn't clutched tightly in her hands, she'd help steady him if she could, not wanting Han to hurt his other hand in the process of removing the glass. She nods her understanding, standing ready, waiting for her chance to act.

Once it's removed and she hears it clatter into the sink, she presses the towel against his palm, a little force required to try to staunch the flow of blood. As long as she can concentrate on doing this for him, she doesn't have to concentrate on anything more unpleasant.

That would come sooner than she was comfortable with, she knows.

"How's that?", she asks, her voice soft. "Is it feeling any better? If I'm pressing too hard, just tell me - "

[twelve_not_fourteen]

The force is likely going to teach Rey about the way Han Solo behaves when he's in pain, if her own intuition didn't teach her as much already. When the pain is minor he'll usually play it up for attention. Around her anyway, because she'll indulge him. Chewie does not indulge him. On the other hand, when the pain is serious, that's when Han is usually trying to downplay it.

Likely, she'll sense that he's trying to keep it in. Although, that glass was sharp and he hasn't been able to help most of the grunting and groaning this time.

"It's good." He says quietly, though his eyes are a little bit glassy. "You're doing fine, sweetheart."

[thesefirststeps]

She's already learned as much in their time together - although every instance thus far as only been the minor sorts of aches and pains that she fondly rolls her eyes at as she indulges him. Chewie does not indulge him, but Rey always will. That's part of why she knows that this is more serious than it looks.

She sighs, but doesn't let up on the pressure she's holding against his palm, hoping that the bleeding soon comes to a halt. And although it's difficult at the moment to tear her eyes from her work, she glances at Han, needing to see his expression, how he's feeling, if he's not working overtime to put a good face on all of this.

"I'm sorry."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

There's not much to see in his face. He's pretty stoic when he wants to be and the pain is now at a level he can ignore better because it's consistent. There's no longer the sudden, acute stabs of pain because the shard is gone. It's the eyes that ultimately betray him. He's hurting. When the bleeding stops and they can get the bacta on it, they'll be fine, but in the meantime he's going to be sore.

"Sorry for what? The nightmare? Everybody gets those ..." He says with a shrug of his shoulders. He still thinks this is his fault, Rey. "Listen, I promise we'll only stay on Jakku long enough to unload and get paid. And I promise I'll never make you go there again."

[thesefirststeps]

That is also how she knows that the hurting is worse than he's allowing her to see. But it's probably best for the both of them if she doesn't push and prod at him to admit to pain she already sees for herself that he's feeling. So, she'll continue holding the towel against his hand, and once the bleeding is done, she'll continue taking care of it to best of her ability, bacta and bandage alike.

She shakes her head again, surprised and touched by the promise. Now that she's less panic-stricken, she realizes how ridiculous it even was to realize that she'd find herself left alone on the lonely desert planet when he's never given her any indications that he wasn't happy with her presence on his ship, or ... with her, personally.

"No - I ... I'm sorry for - for ... breaking your glass. I hate that I hurt you!"

[twelve_not_fourteen]

He doesn't think it's wrong for her to be upset at the thought of going back to Jakku. There are places he hopes never to go back to himself, although, fewer of them are whole planets than specific places upon them. Or in one case a specific space ship. The biggest mistake, he thinks, was just trying to pretend everything was okay when they should have been talking things over ...

Maybe it's at least a lesson they can keep in mind for a while and a mistake they can try not to make again anytime soon.

"Rey, that's ..." That was impossible. Right? "... the glass was in my hand."

[thesefirststeps]

Which is funny, because she's beginning to feel like her reaction was ... unreasonable. But once they sit down and discuss her feelings, if they do that, she'll be far more open and honest than she's been on the duration of this trip.

At the very least, hopefully they've learned a valuable lesson about being honest with each other in all aspects, because this - this has been miserable.

"It's - ", she begins, shrugging helplessly. "It's happened before."

[twelve_not_fourteen]

If there's one thing that Han should probably do, it's be more open when it comes to all those things he never wants to talk about. It's not a very healthy way to live one's life and even if his choices to be that way might not effect Rey directly, you can't help but wonder if it does by proxy.

"It's happened before?"

A lot of questions start springing to mind. Chiefly, 'what is it' and 'when was before', but he can see that it's kind of upsetting to her or ... she's upset by it this time.

He continues, a little softer. Chewie will probably be able to hear them, but he'd still rather take the volume down a little. "So you're that the glass broke because of something you did? Do you know why it happens?"

[thesefirststeps]

It's how he protects himself - and if there anything that Rey understands, it's that. It's not as though she doesn't do much the same, at least with certain details and experiences that she doesn't like to think about, much less feel comfortable speaking about.

With each other though, it shouldn't be so difficult to be open and honest and... vulnerable.

She's more upset by the fact that he's gotten hurt because of her than by the fact that it's happened again - which is distressing in and of itself. She thought she was safe from these nightmares now that she was away from Jakku, now that she had friends, now that she was cared for.

This instance has proven that she's not safe anywhere, and it's shaken her to her core.

"No, I don't know what it is - ", she replies, her voice trembling. "But when I have these dreams, the ones when I remember being - being left behind.... I've woken up to find things.... broken. I've woken up to find everything looking like it's been ransacked, even though I was the only one there. I've woken up with cuts, too. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear! "